The words, “I can’t,” are not allowed in my house. If they’re used, they are corrected, “I will try.” I used this same philosophy with all of my personal training clients as well. “I can’t,” is negative and absolutely not true. You can! I truly believe down to my core that, in just about every instance, you CAN! But, even with as deep as this belief is for me, I fell victim to it.
Since we’ve returned to Grenada and Chris has started school again, I’m back to orchestrating our circus. Between homeschooling; making everything we eat from scratch; keeping us on budget; getting everyone to where they need to be on time; making sure everyone is happy; and keeping our house somewhat clean, I stopped taking time for myself. This is not an “oh, poor me” ploy by any means. I actually really love my role right now, I’m just painting the picture that I had created in my head. I mean, it’s me that creates a lot of the craziness in my life … is it entirely necessary that we stay exactly on budget?? Do I really need to make ALL of our food?? Do my kids need to be involved in so many activities?? All of these answers are, of course, no, but they are all things that are super important to me. They sort of give me my purpose, and anyone that knows we well, knows I always need a good ‘project.’
Anyway, I got so involved with making our life operate like a well oiled machine, that I started telling myself that there wasn’t time for me. “If I go workout right now, what will the kids do?” … “If I go workout, I will interfere with family time.” … and, finally, I got to the point that I told myself, “I can’t. It just doesn’t fit here.” Well, as you can imagine, that wasn’t going to work. Fitness is my thing … it’s my chocolate; it’s my glass of wine … it’s MY time that makes me better at all of these other roles that I play. I need it like I need to brush my teeth. I was in a rut, a really deep rut. I couldn’t help but feel like someone in my family was going to suffer if I took this time for me, so in my head I told myself “I can’t.”
Two weeks ago, I had a ROUGH week. I was feeling disconnected from the world … imagine that, I live on an island and was feeling disconnected. I reached out to several friends from home, not telling them that I needed anything but just talking (via email) … nothing. I’ve yet to hear back. But, like I always say, every girl needs a BFF. Well, mine knows me well. Even through a simple text she knew I wasn’t right and gave me an ultimatum to make time for myself and take care of me. She said, “Go for a run!” … and, that day I did. I felt like a new person. I vowed right then and there to force my workouts into our schedule. Guess what?? I had time, I just had to look for it.
It is truly a daily effort to figure out when I will get it in, but for the last two weeks I have done so successfully almost every single day. Today I literally ran sprints in the parking lot of the hotel where the older kids take swim lessons … in 90 degree weather … while pushing a jogging stroller with a 30 pound kid in it!! When I sat down this morning and looked at my day, I knew this was my only opportunity to get something in. And that’s exactly what it is; an OPPORTUNITY. I could have frickin’ run for President after that workout, it felt so good to take advantage of that time and know that while I was doing it, everyone was happy and where they needed to be. It’s a fight, daily. But, I’m hooked. I am happier. I’m a better mom. I’m a better wife. I’m a better friend. Making dinner doesn’t seem so daunting. I’m HAPPIER. Across the board, I’m happier. In the midst of the crazy, I still need to be me.
I almost can’t believe I’m sitting here admitting that I told myself, “I can’t.” But, it’s a good lesson. No matter how sure we are, no matter how much we know we need things, we get lost … sidetracked. I mean, my livelihood used to be based around being the girl who told people, “yes you can!” I was in charge of eliminating the ‘can’t’ from peoples lives, yet here I am struggling with my own?? But, as important as it was for me to tell people that they can, it’s equally as important for them to know that it happens to me too. We’re all human. We all get stuck in ruts … we all go through phases … we all know what we should be doing … every single one of us.
After this ‘taste of my own medicine’ experience, I realize more than ever that YOU CAN. No matter how busy your life is, how many kids you have, how much you build up in your head … you can get there, you CAN make time for it. You may not HAVE time, but you can MAKE time.