I debated between the title I chose, and the title, ‘Fixed.’ Fixed, obviously, in resolution to the title of my most recent post. I’ve been in, sort of, a self-reflecting mode for the past week or so and when I stumbled across this quote today, I couldn’t help but see it as a sign leading to me to the topic of this post.
As I have reflected more over the past few weeks, maybe ‘broken’ wasn’t the right word, maybe it should have been ‘Lost.’ Or, maybe it was a combination of the two. Whatever it was, it wasn’t me. I believe I have a strong sense of self … I’m very self-aware and a fairly self-confident person. I don’t think I’ve always been … I think these are traits I’ve developed through experiences and relationships. So, how is it possible for someone who feels they know who they are, and what they want, to be lost and broken? I guess that’s the million dollar question. For me, it just shows how much people influence our lives and who we are, regardless of how strong our sense of self is. Some people build themselves a little spot in your soul whether they are blood or not.
There are three people in my life to whom I can say exactly what I’m thinking, without thinking first. Does that make any sense? There is no fear of judgement, no fear of rejection, and no fear of distrust. They are, my husband, my mother, and my BFF. Yes, BFF is a cliche but I truly believe we all need one. Since only one of these titles fits the subject line of my post, you can imagine where this is going.
I don’t think it really felt real that Kim was coming until I was standing at the airport WAITING. It was just little B and I … we were an hour early. I pace when anxious, so I think B and I may have left our mark in the pavement outside of GND. Finally, I bought a beer to help calm myself and enjoy/celebrate the moment of excitement (because all good airports have a bar outside, right?!). The doors opened and people filed out one-by-one. As the last people came out the doors, there FINALLY was Kim. We met in the middle of the crosswalk and hugged, before we even made it back to the car, I was me … I felt better, I could breathe.
The 11 days of her visit were rejuvenating, relaxing, and … simply put, perfect. We worked out, we went to the beach, we drank, we had sushi, she met and fit right in with my new friends, we worked out (did I mention that?), we ate well, we talked, and we did the frickin’ hokey pokey! Needless to say, I didn’t question myself once while she was here, I was just me and she was just her, just like we’ve always been. I was a better person, a better mother, a better wife, and a better friend while she was here because she reconnected my dots.
If you’re following the metaphor, she was my mirror! After being surrounded by no one and nothing familiar, sometimes we need a mirror, or at least I did. Just because no one knows me, I’m still me, but I needed her to help me figure that out.
Being the new girl is a tough role no matter who you are and where you go, but I’m dedicated to just being me once again… thanks to her for coming to my rescue and reminding me of who I am. So, take it or leave it people, this is who I am. I’m back baby!