broken

I’m not sure how to describe how I’ve felt over the past month, as I’ve thought about it the last week in an effort to title this blog post, the word broken keeps coming to my mind. I’m a ‘heart on my sleeve’ kind of girl and plan to tell it like it is …

Our Grenadian initiation period has continued. When we decided to take on this adventure of coming to Grenada the most important thing for us was that the kids would be happy and healthy, the same dreams every parent has for their children. We visited the island early to make sure this was right for us, and while here we identified a school for the kids. We picked it because we heard it was the best, although it was well out of range for our minimal student loan budget. After a few weeks of school, our smart, fun loving little girl who used to love school suddenly wasn’t happy and didn’t want to go to school. This is when I started to feel broken. Then, in the midst of figuring out what to do, some awful things happened at the school that greatly affected 4 of the children and that jeopardized the safety of all the kids attending. Things that could have easily been prevented. When it comes to my children there are no second chances, my trust was broken, there was no way they were returning.

The kids have been home with me homeschooling for 3 weeks now. This has been a big adjustment for everyone. It consumes my every waking minute. Our new schedule is as follows:

6am: Becket wakes up for the day

6-7am: Pack lunches, prep dinner, make breakfast

7-8am: Get everyone up, dressed, fed and ready for the day

8am: School starts at the kitchen table (we only have 2 bedrooms, so the kitchen table is multi-purpose)

8-11am: School (math, language, reading comprehension, history, geography, science)

11am-12pm: Lunch/outside play

12-2pm: School (finish up our morning assignments and do a project of some sort)

3-5pm: Activities which vary by day (swimming lessons, art, Tae Kwon Do, gymnastics, etc)

5-7pm: Dinner and hopefully 20-30 minutes with Daddy

7-8pm: Bedtime routine (PJ’s, snack, teeth, reading)

8-10pm: Clean up house, do dishes, and then lesson plan for tomorrow

10-11pm: My bedtime so I’m ready for my midnight date’s with the little guy and his bottle 🙂

There is nothing bad about this, it’s just MUCH different then what I was prepared for. I’m not going to lie, I’ve had my moments of ‘what about me.’ They usually come when I’m feeling the need to workout, which is a really big part of who I am that has had to take a backseat. I’m also really missing my businesses … the biggest part is that they both allowed me to bring so much happiness to others, so I need to find my outlet to fill this void. In addition, being your own child’s teacher is a whole new aspect of your relationship that takes time to develop. We’re working hard on it, but as with all things, it will take time. And the biggest one of all, I miss my husband/best friend/baby daddy 😉  . I see very little of him and what I do see is usually a very stressed out, unrecognizable version of the guy I married.

But, I’m heading into week 4 of homeschooling very optimistic. After much internal debate and discussion with myself, I figured out that I just need to see this as my next challenge … those who know me, know I LIVE for a good challenge. I found some great after school programs to get them involved in and starting this week, we have an awesome, young teacher who is going to come over twice a week and tutor the kids for a few hours. So, we’re getting it all figured out.

The thing that has broken me the most the last month has been guilt … I feel guilty for feeling out of sorts. It seems we have a long list of things happening to some really amazing people in our life … good friends who have a baby girl with Leukemia; friends who desperately want and deserve a baby and can’t have one; friends who are sitting in a hospital room right now waiting for a diagnosis on their young daughter; friends of friends who are mourning the tragic loss of a pet … and there I was this past week, worried about 5 minutes of me time! Get over it.

So, yes, I’ve felt broken but thankfully I’m working on my fixes. I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity to have this much time with my kids, even though it’s the most trying job I’ve ever had. I’m thankful that we are in good health. I’m thankful for the amazing experience that this has been, and will be, for all of us.

Thank you for listening.

 

 

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7 responses to “broken

  1. Many of us can relate especially to being married to someone that’s all of a sudden unrecognizable. I promise this will get better. You are an incredible mom from everything I have seen. I know those sweet kiddos will greatly cherish this time they have with you. xoxo.

  2. I love you … you are the strongest person I have every meet! If anyone can handle this challenge it’s you …

  3. I don’t know you, and I am never facebook friends with people I know. Still, there is a bond that goes beyond “meeting someone” that draws all of us grenada medschool wives together. And you just have to be a med school wife to understand the brokenness that we feel: Attempting to enjoy “paradise” with young children when our other half is missing. The suffocating loneliness that comes as the sun sets, there are kids that need to be dressed and put to bed, the guilt that comes when we sit down after another long day, and realize we have forgotten to live (yet again) that day, but merely survived. The feeling of waking up to the sun in our face, feeling that we have nothing left to give, and then the realization. “if I don’t, no one will.” The sadness of missing your best friend and explaining to your kids why he has not been home for dinner in days, then pouring your heart out to him at night when he finally comes home, and realizing he has fallen asleep. It is true, we have healthy children, amazing husbands but it is HARD. And the feeling that our kids may be missing out on something because of our life choices is probably one of the biggest things I struggled with.
    When I got to Grenada, to keep a good food budget we drastically cut down on milk,bought no snacks, and went vegetarian a few nights a week. We rode in a 91 Toyota (infested with roaches) and they experienced all of the other ‘inconveniences’ that you already know too well. I would often feel guilt about what they were missing out on. Upon coming back, I realized what a big gift they had been given. They had developed a gratitude and perspective that the kids here lack, they have an understanding that most adults here never have. I wrote about this here: https://withshoutsofjoy.wordpress.com/2013/02/22/more/
    I don’t know if you are a praying woman, but even if you aren’t pray. I don’t think we were created to do journeys like this alone. And please know, even while studying for his USMLE, I have my husband back….things WILL return to normal, only you will be an even stronger person.
    Sorry you just had to read a note from a stranger that is so long…I just started typing, and before I knew it…here I am!

  4. I don’t know you, and I am never facebook friends with people I know. Still, there is a bond that goes beyond “meeting someone” that draws all of us grenada medschool wives together. And you just have to be a med school wife to understand the brokenness that we feel: Attempting to enjoy “paradise” with young children when our other half is missing. The suffocating loneliness that comes as the sun sets, there are kids that need to be dressed and put to bed, the guilt that comes when we sit down after another long day, and realize we have forgotten to live (yet again) that day, but merely survived. The feeling of waking up to the sun in our face, feeling that we have nothing left to give, and then the realization. “if I don’t, no one will.” The sadness of missing your best friend and explaining to your kids why he has not been home for dinner in days, then pouring your heart out to him at night when he finally comes home, and realizing he has fallen asleep. It is true, we have healthy children, amazing husbands but it is HARD.

    In Grenada, the feeling that our kids may be missing out on something because of our life choices is probably one of the biggest things I struggled with. Upon coming back, I realized what a big gift they had been given. They had developed a gratitude and perspective that the kids here lack, they have an understanding that most adults here never have. I wrote about this here: https://withshoutsofjoy.wordpress.com/2013/02/22/more/

    I don’t know if you are a praying woman, but even if you aren’t pray. I don’t think we were created to do journeys like this alone. And please know, even while studying for his USMLE, I have my husband back….things WILL return to normal, only you will be an even stronger person for all of this. AND two years fly by…
    Sorry you just had to read a note from a stranger that is so long…I just started typing, and before I knew it…here I am!

  5. Pingback: We made it! | theycalluscrazy·

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